Pretend
by aznpride16xx
Summary: Pain knows no limits. It only hurts when you start pretending it doesn't.


**Meilin: Petty thoughts? Harbored thoughts? No, human thoughts.**

**This one-shot is an abstract view on the human mind. Somehow we seem to brush off the pain and suffering, but truthfully it gets bottled up inside and one day we won't be able to do it anymore. Sometimes a little crack in the glass can become shattered shards.**

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><p>I saw you sitting in a study room. Your eyes were focused on something. What were you concentrating on?<p>

Oh? A grin broke out onto your face. Ikuto, what were you smiling about? I entered the study room and prepared myself to greet you, but a voice, not yours, made itself present.

"Hi, Amu." I was greeted by the girl you were sitting in the room with.

"Hi… Utau," I managed to muster. Did my smile seem too fake?

You looked at me, Ikuto, but didn't say "hello" to me. Why was that? You continued to talk to her and laughed at everything she said. I uncomfortably sat there for another half hour or so. Did you forget that I was there?

It might've just slipped your mind. But it was alright, I just pretended that my heart didn't hurt that time.

x.x.x.x

A new day dawned upon us and you agreed to go shopping with me. Normally, I disliked shopping, but I was ready to try on some new clothes. Maybe, you'd think I looked cute in them.

As I walked hand in hand with you, I enjoyed the warmth of your skin. It was so calming, but your attention was immediately caught by a passing friend.

"Yo, Ikuto!" he called out to you.

Your hand pulled away from my own and it greatly saddened me. No matter how desperate I was to hold onto your hand, you found a way to rip your fingers from my grasp. How come you never held my hand in front of your friends?

You didn't notice how silent I was the rest of the day, did you? But it was alright, I just pretended that my heart didn't hurt that time.

x.x.x.x

We had a small fight last night, didn't we? Although there was no yelling, no hitting, and no physical tears, my hope was breaking, my heart was shattering, and I began to doubt.

"Why don't you ever talk to me?" I questioned with a tired whisper, a sound so bare not even I was able to hear myself.

"I guess it's time for you to go," you said without looking at me. I was shocked, honestly. I didn't expect to be kicked out so suddenly. We sat there in silence for a few seconds before you continued, "Well, I don't really have anything to say so…"

_All I ever wanted was for someone to listen to me, to try to understand, and respect my honest thoughts…but I guess that was a lot to ask for, wasn't it?_

"I guess that's my queue to leave. I was…tired of talking to myself anyway." I got up from my chair and excused myself from your property. You followed me to the door. Why would you see me off?

We had our normal routine, didn't we? We hugged, we kissed, and then we'd part, but it was different this time. You limply placed your arms around me as my arms were already around your neck. You truthfully didn't want to be near me at that time, I could tell.

I read somewhere that a tight hug that lasted for more than twenty seconds could release endorphins and make a person happy. I embraced you tightly – two seconds, four seconds, four and a half seconds – you made no effort to move. Wow, I couldn't even give you a proper hug to make you happy.

You lost faith in me, you didn't understand me, and even worse, you didn't trust in me. It was always like that, wasn't it? I would hold back everything I was thinking because I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I took a step back and wanted to give you a good night kiss. At the same time, I was hesitant because I was afraid you would push me away. I leaned in nonetheless and pressed my lips against yours. Why did I think that kissing you would be the right choice? _Heh, I'm so stupid._

My feelings for you were not reciprocated and soon I felt as if being dead would be better than feeling rejected…

Because all I felt was my lifeless body kissing a cold one. But it was alright, I just pretended my heart didn't hurt that time.

x.x.x.x

You finally came over this time, Ikuto, and it made me really happy. You didn't come over often, so it was nice for a change.

"I'm starving!" I exclaimed. A wave of aroma hit my nose as I walked into the food filled house. "That smells delicious."

We sat in the living room for a few hours waiting for the finishing touches on the food. As the dinner was coming to its final phase, I noticed your eyes turning red. They drooped and faltered, your lids flickered and slouched, and your head bobbed into unconsciousness.

"You…you don't have to stay if you're tired," I sighed. It wasn't a sigh of anger or annoyance. It was a sigh of despair and disappointment; it was not disappointment towards you, just the fact that I continued to feel hurt over nothing.

"Yeah." Slowly you got up from your chair, but I stopped you by hugging your torso. I buried my face into your shirt. You were so warm.

"What?" You questioned, not understanding my muffled voice.

"I don't want you to leave!" I repeated. You looked at me with a saddened face and sat back down. "No, I'm sorry. You don't have to stay."

"But,"

"Go home, if you're tired. You need to think about your health. Come on, I'll walk you out." I walked you to your car and bade you farewell. You texted me when you arrived at your house and wished me a good night. Why wasn't there a time during the night when we could spend some time together?

Why did it hurt so much! Why couldn't I get rid of the pain? Why couldn't you see it? But it's alright, I just pretended my heart didn't hurt that time.

x.x.x.x

I had a dream last night, Ikuto. I was lying in bed and you were two or three feet away from me; it was the bed you and I shared.

So why was _she_ lying right next to you and not I? To be completely honest, you two looked happy and comfortable together. Her head was on your upper chest, your arm behind her neck, and the blanket was pulled snugly over the both of you. She was giggling and you were laughing along with her, your smile was as bright as the sun.

I got up, slowly, wondering if you noticed me there at all. I left the room, feeling uncomfortable, as if I was the one intruding on the moment. She was the one out of place here, so why did I feel like the home wrecker?

I walked into the hallway, frantically looking right and left, hoping to find some sort of escape, but there was nothing more than dead ends and blank walls. I felt trapped, hopeless, and lost. Where was I supposed to go?

That was simply it, I couldn't go anywhere.

I found a corner in the empty hallway and sat down with my knees pulled closely to my chest. I tried my best to be as far away from that room as possible, but there was only so much space between you and me.

I buried my head into my knees and tightly covered my ears, nearly ripping my hair out in the process. I shut my eyes tightly together, rocked back and forth, and chanted empty words to myself.

I was fully aware that this was my own imagination inside my dream, not reality. Even so, I couldn't change the figment that was playing before me…and it was tearing me apart.

I was trapped in the world my subconscious created and I watched as my thoughts tormented my mind. I cried and prayed that this illusion would end soon, because I just couldn't pretend that my heart didn't hurt that time.

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><p><strong>Meilin: Pain knows no limits. Don't forget to leave a comment :)<strong>

**Until next time, my lovely readers~**


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